i can officially die now ...

i am in that moment of my life where the past ... the present ... nor the future counts. i am apathetic to anything that surrounds my being and the rest of the world is on pause. i wallow ... i linger ... i cherish every tingle of that inexplicable magical feeling of ecstasy.

this is the melodramatic me ... but this is me discovering my passion for the world under the sea.

to be blunt about it ... i love scuba diving. i had one hell of an experience regardless of it being an intro dive or whatnot ... but seriously ... it doesnt matter. i am still so very hungover from the whole thing that its been a week already and thats all i can talk about and its all thats running in my head ... diving diving diving.

it truly is an overwhelming experience for me ... but i know i have to get back to reality ... and what better way to do this? checking out the even more overwhelming costs of this damn freaking fucking hell of a passion! [ i would very much so refuse to call it a hobby because of the intense effect this has brought upon me ]

now it saddens and frustrates me that such an amazing breathtaking almost zenith-like experience is so limiting. it so pisses me off like hell that i may never be able to go further in realizing this dream because of the mere 'realization' that it so expensive to go scuba diving.

there ... its how blunt as it gets. and to think ... the country is full of amazing undiscovered sea life and god only knows what more the entire world under the sea has to offer.

i am left speechless nonetheless in utter gratitude for the experience.

in truth ... not a handfull of people in this day of age can say that they have realized their dream ... but i have.

| satisfaction |
posted by oddnumber at 05:56




what do i get from my 21st birthday ...

i was reading an article in the paper today when i came across a familiar name ... i think he is my neighbors son or if not they just happen to have the same last name. anyhow ... apparently some people do actually take tourism seriously and they actually turn into tourist guides ... im in awe [ in other words im either too shallow or too arrogant or both. ]

and so this great MANILENEO ... him and his tours ... its been a while since ive had one these spur of the moment TICKLES ... so i go to his website and read his blogs ... dang i even post a message about it to my friends in our yahoo groups.

after doing a semi marathon of sex and the city and coming across a true to life 'tourist guide' ... i am inspired ... to write that is. and so i remember my old friend ... my one true being that no one knows about and no one cares about ... where i am my one and only fan. audience. critic. my blog.

as i read through the blogs ive posted in the past ... i am glad that i am who i am. single. fat. insecure. this critical being of mine is me. ive turned out who i want to be regardless of all the NUMEROUS slip ups ive had and im pretty sure il be having in my life.

to sum this up ... my 22nd birthday present to myself ... THE breakup. a LOT of extra pounds. and a new perspective of ME living my life.

the drama and randomness is incredible.

incredible. [ and i smile ]
posted by oddnumber at 09:13




nothings ever enough in this world ... big enough ... rich enough ... beautiful enough ... its getting sickening ... and in truth the word satisfaction doesnt exist no more.

i wonder whats it like to live during the good ol days ... ala back to the future maybe ... but in a foreign exchange student kind of way ... something like that. one whole month for one country ... one whole week for the era of your choice ... you learn different cultures of the past, present or future.

shweeet.
posted by oddnumber at 14:40





posted by oddnumber at 10:35





right now im just really excited to start my job ... more like im glad that i can finally start helping out my parents with the finances ... ok fine ... its gonna be very little help ... but still ... im happy to do it.

ive to straighten up my priorities ... and im totally serious about it ... i just dont know where to start.
posted by oddnumber at 14:42




all seems to be where i wanted things to be ... execpt for him ... day & night ... night & day... its just all about him. i wanna stop already ... its getting unhealthy ... and its most certainly not diet friendly! damn it!

speaking of which ... ive fucking gained back all the 5 pounds that i lost during christmas vacation! i dont know what the hell happened! i just keep on stuffing my mouth! craving for different things every five seconds! indulging myself in a haven of ice cream! oh i cant wait til i get my wisdom teeth taken out! and to think my dad just told me that im too thin to wear braces!

what the hell! i dont care anymore! im a narcissist [ the hell with the spelling too! ] and i dont give a bull about what other think? or maybe just for now?

its too early to think about the future but i am thinking about it now ... trying to prepare for the responsibilities that it brings ... slowly and [ not but! ] surely ... its helps me get more focused ... i need more determination but a different challenge ... im just hoping that more opportunities will open ... im dead serious about that.

speaking of which ... i know how i have these impulsive fascinations about culture and stuff but lately the COYOTE's been talking about BUDDHISM ... it never seemed to interest me as much till he started getting into it as well! i actually wanna look into it more and maybe in time il be in my impulsive mood to just change religion ... hmmm ... i should do that for my 21st birthday! i think id like that as a birthday present for myself!

done!

posted by oddnumber at 21:03




who would have thought that one day i would find myself inside a bathroom tapping on the laptop while using the hamper as a desk and the throne as my chair. i dont know if you can call that stylish or maybe its just dead weird.

so much has happened in the past few months. of course i dont have the whole day nor much enthusiasm to write everything down.

to start it off ... there's the rekindling of the relationship ... and yes there still exists the better and worse days when i find myself psycho-analyzing the highs and lows of being in the big cliche of love. i have to admit though that i love putting myself to the torture and drama of the relationship.

then there are the times when i have so many plans laid out for my future. PICTURE and Co. was the plan A ... plan B was that of my love for of style and nationalism to local couture which was TYLER ... plan C the latest of all the schemes i came up with [ thanks to the gorgeous LISTERINE BOY ] was UNITED EMIRATES. unfortunately size does matter in this biz so i would have to settle down with ground stewardess. so much for beauty and brains!

posted by oddnumber at 08:55




.REPLY OF SUBSTANCE.

to love someone unconditionally ... to have her in your life for eternity ... to be her soulmate ... is it possible to have two people so dear to you and love them as equals?

to love the second time around is something i have yet to learn. but i dont understand it ... i just cant ... not just yet. how can people move on so fast? how can they be so sure that they have found THE ONE ... or should i say the NEXT ONE?

its hard having to realize that you were just the NEXT ONE ... someone who technically replaced the ORIGINAL ONE ... that in his heart she was still 'the one' but just had to let go ... now he has to go off and find the 'next one' and by a twist of serendipity ... he found you. you were there unknowing. while he's coming towards you ... in search again of that feeling that he once had ... maybe not as strong ... but getting there just the same ... you ... innocent and vulnerable at that ... you realize that this was what you were waiting for. everything that you had ever wanted ... and more! he's just INCREDIBLE ... AMAZING ... BEAUTIFUL in every way ... to you ... you have THE ONE.

unfair? LIFE is ... GOD isnt. but thats what makes life worth living. i didnt want it ... i had not expected it ... but it happened. ive told myself once that il be closing the chapter ... but i hadnt. it was easy to say it ... but unbelievably hard to do it.

in my HEART he will always be THE ONE ... but in my MIND ... he's just LONG GONE. maybe it was just written out this way.

im done with this ... its about time.

UNCONDITIONAL
posted by oddnumber at 08:50




.EVER AFTER.

a fairytale and an ever after ending. beautiful. magnificent.

its every girl's dream to become a princess. to have a knight in shining armor. his prince.

|SIGH| it is just a dream.
posted by oddnumber at 18:23




.CURRENT.

[ Current Mood ] unsatisfied
[ Current Music ] sound of cars outside
[ Current Taste ] COFFEE
[ Current Make-up ] mmm nothing i should be asleep
[ Current Hair ] LOOSE COIL
[ Current Annoyance ] life and its many frustrations
[ Current Smell ] OUT OF THE BED SCENT
[ Current Favorite Group ] MO TOWN
[ Current Book you're reading ] UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF BEING
[ Current Color Of Toenails ] PEDICURE FRESH ... NO POLISH FOR ME.


[ Current Refreshment ] COFFEE


LAST PERSON
[ You Touched ] MOM
[ You Talked to ] DAD
[ You Hugged ] RACHEL
[ You Instant messaged ] MARI
[ You Yelled At ] RENZO
[ You Kissed ] ...

WHO DO YOU WANT TO
[ Kill ] THE OTHER WOMAN
[ Slap ] DAVE'S ASS
[ Get Really Wasted With ] MY GURLS
[ Get High With ] THE GURLS & BOYS!
[ Look Like] GISELE BUNDCHEN ... BRAZILIAN.

DO YOU EVER
[ sit on the internet all night waiting for someone special to I.M. you? ] NOT REALLY
[ save aol/aim conversations ] NO
[ cried because of someone saying something to you ] YES ... THEN I SAY SOMETHING BACK TO THEM.

DO YOU // ARE YOU
[ smoke cigarettes ] YES.
[ obsessive ] ON CERTAIN THINGS
[ could u live without the computer? ] NOT ANYMORE
[ color ur hair ] NOT REALLY
[ habla espanol ] WISHFUL THINKING
[ how many peeps are on ur buddylist? ] ?
[ drink alchohol? ] IM ALLERGIC ... BUT I DO
[ like watching sunrises or sunset ] SUNRISE AT THE BEACHFRONT WAS JUST BREATH TAKING
[ what hurts the most? ] LOSING YOURSELF


NUMBER
[ of times I have had my heart broken? ] ONCE.
[ of hearts you've broken? ] NONE.
[ of boys I have kissed? ] ONE.
[ of scars on my body? ] ONE ON MY CHIN FROM A TRIP TO CHINA.


|DRAFT|
posted by oddnumber at 19:16




.DEAD END.

thats where my life is right now. nowhere to run to ... noone to talk to ... nothing else to do.

whats the point of staying when everyone else thinks you're useless ... you dont matter ... you're just a pain in the ass. wouldnt it be much better to just leave? in that way you are to hassle nobody anymore right? i mean ... yeah they get worried and sad for a while ... but eventually they will forget ... they'll move on with their lives ... probably remember you on all soul's day or on your birthday ... but they will forget. they're probably better off without you.

the consequence is always times three ... i think this is a part of it. but still ... i thought i can move on ... i thought i can get through it ... i thought he was still there. what happened?

what am i suppose to do now? he tells me to stay ... tells me ive no right whatsoever ... tells me im useless. for what reason am i suppose to stay?

i dont wanna be an ungrateful bitch ... im absolutely sure that i will be forever grateful to them ... but then again i am a bitch ... ive to admit that ... for different reasons and at different times of course.

im so different from them ... but then thats how i am. thats me ... different. seems like im just turning into the black sheep ... so what does a sheep got to do? i dont wanna BAH like the rest of them and conform to the predictable norm of life ... but why is it so hard to be accepted by your own kind? your own flesh and blood i might have to add.

ive never been like the others with exceptional abilities ... i try to ... but ive been nothing but a big disappointment ... if they found out about the truth then il be much more than a disappointment ... much lower than shame ... a disgust of evil.

how to leave? how to make them happy and take them out of misery? how to be left behind?

|LONE|
posted by oddnumber at 16:14